Some of these hurt more than draining a cauliflower ear.
UFC luminaries Chael Sonnen and Dan Henderson were among those who got in on the action at the roast of UFC Hall of Famer Randy Couture on Thursday night in St. Louis. The annual event took place after the second round of the NCAA wrestling championships.
Sonnen and Henderson pulled no punches in their roasting of those on the dais. And Couture got in on the action himself.
The event is available to stream here for $7.95.
Below is a transcript of the roasts from Sonnen, Henderson and Couture's final speech.
(Warning: Graphic language ahead)
Randy Couture, ladies and gentleman. Or for those of us who know him, refer to him as a douchebag. That's not because he's a jerk, it's just because he's been inside more stanky women than anyone else we know. Boom, roasted!
Randy, I will give you this. The one wife was hot. Well, she got hot when she left with half of your money. Boom, roasted!
Randy, your last three girlfriends have all averaged a nine. I'm not talking about their looks, I'm talking about their I.Q. Boom, roasted.
Same joke as last time, different ending. Randy, your last three girlfriends all averaged a nine. I'm not talking about their looks, I'm talking about their age. Boom, roasted.
I'm glad to see you're smiling and, by the way, your teeth look like a row of porcelain urinals. Boom, roasted.
Hey Randy, can you hear me? The guys' cauliflower ears are so bad Golden Corral uses them twice a week at their vegetable bar. Boom, roasted!
Did you guys hear about the time Randy Couture went to eBay to buy himself a penis enlarger? They sent him a magnifying glass. Boom, roasted.
So let me tell you what brings me here tonight. I'm sitting around, I get a call, my phone lights up, it's Wade Schalles. You've gotta understand, this guy has taken out more people than smallpox, so when he calls you answer the phone. He says, 'Chael, what are you up to?' I said, 'Well, Wade I've got an assortment of chemical, synthetic, shortcut-to-success variety of substances in front of me. I'm getting ready to put more holes in my ass than Pebble Beach, if you really want to know. The question is what can I do for you?'
He said, 'I want you to come out to Kansas City's ugly sister St. Louis and I want you to roast Randy Couture. So here we are and as I look out at this room I see more shriveled ears and broken dreams than the Iowa corn plight of 1970. And we all come here with the same colossally pleasurable objective of reducing our guest of honor to a pile of smoking ashes, which is exactly what most theater owners did to their Scorpion King 2 posters.
Goddam, you ever listen to that? James Earl Jones tells me that his royalty check bounced and he wants to repo his voice from that movie. There you were, 'Natural,' swanning about it in a golden loin cloth, chopping off people's heads and every time you opened your mouth I was expecting to hear, 'This is CNN.'
Now, Randy Couture is an ambassador, both to the sport of wrestling and the spectacle that is MMA. And like any ambassador, he parks wherever he wants, he spends most of his time drunk, he hides money from the feds, he lies through his teeth and he's had at least one dead hooker rolled up in a carpet and dumped off in a dumpster.
This guy looks like I'm telling the truth [motioning to a spectator]. He threw me off. I'm just fooling. Boom, roasted.
Randy has never taken a shortcut. And that isn't because he's got some steely reserve to hone his own path and forge the ultimate in strength. It's because he's too dumb to use a GPS.
But he's never backed down from a challenge, even when it's destined for colossal failure like the Expendables 3. Boom, roasted.
Now, the thing we love about Randy is that if you were in any type of jam, any type of trouble at all, you know that you could pick up the phone and call him. And as sure night follows day, within two weeks you will have an e-mail from his assistant's intern asking you to refrain from any and all future contact.
While you sit in a jail cell in Tijuana and a pack of cartel assassins are tearing your body apart, he will get in his Bentley, go to Malibu and spend a day at the beach in your honor. And that's what we all love about the guy.
You guys all think he's here because he's famous. But you couldn't be more wrong. If you think he was famous for being UFC champion, listen. I was out with him last night. Trust me, he's not famous at all. Now, people did walk up to him, because they thought he was Dana White. And he looks like Dana White if Dana was to exercise, eat well, grow a beard and do an eighth of coke every night. Boom, roasted.
I have seen all of his movies, guys. I have seen everything the guy has ever done. I'm starting to think he's getting stereotyped. But that's Hollywood for you. You can tell that's Hollywood. Michael Richards will always be Kramer. Bryan Cranston will always be Walter White. And Randy Couture will always be awful. Boom, roasted.
Randy Couture, the only person to take more shots to the face and leave with less was Lindsay Lohan. Did you meet her in rehab? Boom, roasted.
Randy, I would pass along some nice words before I leave, but I simply don't have any.
I'm kidding, brother. I love you and thanks for letting me roast you. It's been an honor.
I'm very happy to be here tonight. Randy has been a friend of mine for a very long time. Chael has been a friend of ours as well for a long time. Randy and I owned a little health club a long time ago and Chael was our front-desk girl for a time. True story. What did you say, 'roasted, boom?'
Chael reminds me, I think of him like Pinnochio. His nose doesn't really get longer. Every time Chael lies, his testosterone levels go up. And he can't talk without lying, so...
Like I said, we're here for Randy tonight. Randy and I have been friends for a long time. We're both getting old. I feel like now that he left the UFC, he's kind of left me as the oldest guy in there now. What the hell was that all about?
Seriously, Randy was getting old as sh*t when he was fighting. He literally fell asleep halfway through his last UFC fight.
They call him 'The Natural.' Randy 'The Natural' Couture. Everything in his life is natural. That just defines him completely, being natural. Well, except for the fact of his girlfriend's tits and his acting ability.
Chael, no snorting at the table [looking at Sonnen]. Jon Jones isn't here to do that.
Look, Randy seriously is a great fighter. He's a legend in the sport. I think he's spent long fighting that his personal life is starting to mimic his fighting life. If you seriously think about it, his fighting life and his marriages are real similar. They get together, they roll around a little bit, he mounts them a couple times. Next thing you know, 15 minutes is up, there's a judge involved and the whole thing is over.
Well, his fighting is a little better than his marital record. I think he's like 0-5 now in marriage. But typically, unlike his fights his marriages have ended in him tapping out.
If you ask any of Randy's exes, they're all going to say the same thing: 'Randy cheated on me multiple times, multiple times.' You never hear from it Mindy [Couture's current girlfriend], though. She'll never say that once. They haven't gotten to multiplication yet in school. They're still on addition and subtraction. Randy has jock straps that are older than her.
And of course after fighting Randy moved into entertainment. Yes, Randy. We're all still waiting to be entertained.
It's been mentioned that Randy has been on Dancing with the Stars recently. I think they use that term 'stars' very loosely. But besides that, Randy got beat out by a 76-year-old stoner. What the f*ck?
I'm glad to see Randy's movie career is going well. He's a part of the franchise movie The Expendables. You know what Randy's last fight and the movie Expendables has in common? You blink and it's over.
Expendables had a great cast. I love it. You got an old fighter, you got a guy that can barely speak English, you got a guy that publicly cheated on his wife with a maid that wasn't so good-looking. And that's just Randy. The rest of the cast is great as well.
I kind of wanted to finish with a little bit of a story. Randy and I a long time ago, out in Atlanta with a couple other wrestlers were outside of a club, bar, whatever you want to call it. Randy, I'll say Randy, was inebriated. Maybe both of us were.
The bouncers outside this club were giving Randy a lot of trouble. Of course we had Randy's back. And Randy, being the biggest one of us, he went after the littlest one of them. I don't think he ever touched the guy, never caught him. The rest of us beat the shit out of all the bouncers.
Randy, as smart of a guy you guys think he is, was on the board of USA wrestling, the board of directors. All the board went out the next night went out to dinner, took him out for a couple drinks. Randy was so hungover from the night before, drinking water, leaning up against the wall. A couple cops and a couple bouncers came up to him and said, 'You gotta get the hell out of here.' Randy said, 'What for? I didn't do nothing.' 'Well, you beat up all the bouncers in here last night.' Randy being a smart guy went back to the exact place his buddies beat up the bouncers. He didn't even do anything. His buddies beat up all the bouncers the night before. True story.
This was way back in the day before Randy and I even started fighting. Maybe we knew it was our calling.
All fun and games, I appreciate Randy and the friendship we have had over the years. I appreciate what he has done and the way he has portrayed himself for the sport of wrestling and MMA. It's great to call him my friend.
It's great to see you guys. All of you guys. For the last time. When I think of you guys, I think of past tense. And I'm not talking about driving past a bunch of teepees. I'm entering what's called the Celebrity Former Friends Protection Program. In Beverly Hills, you call that a gated community. I'm going deep cover tomorrow. I'll be by my pool. You guys call me and I'll let you know when it's safe to get back in touch.
We'll have a big reunion. Hmm, well May is pretty full. June is pretty stacked. How about never? You guys alright with never? You all alright with never? I'll have my secretary have you penciled in for that spot: never.
I am proud and honored to call one of the famous and talented Baldwin brothers a close friend. I'd like to thank him for coming tonight, but he didn't come [looking at Billy Baldwin]. So I'm gonna have my assistant call Alec and tell Alec that his brother is impersonating him again for the bottom-shelf liquor and the clam-baked, recycled shells.
I kid, I kid. I love this guy. Did you know that Scientology actively prevented him from joining? He got kicked out of the Hare Krishnas, because he wasn't high-profile enough for them to really exploit him.
Speaking of spiritual mediums, I've been seeing one lately and they've helped me connect with some spirits of the dead. Your career says hello [looking at Baldwin].
Nate Carr, he did our invocation tonight. I would tell him to stand and introduce himself and tell you all something about himself, but you already know a lot about him. I would shut him down at that point and make him sit the hell back down.
Did you know that Nate was one of 16? Sixteen kids. Bless his heart, honestly. And in the south that's what you say to people, bless his heart. And you know what that means, right? It was really a problem because when he got out into the real world he realized that beds were for sleeping. I kind of feel bad for him because he's not here, but f*ck it, I'm gonna go on.
It was really embarrassing when he went to buy his first mattress because you could imagine that salesman saying, 'He doesn't call me. Even on my birthday he didn't call me.'
Of course, we have Mr. Wade Schalles. His last name rhymes with callous, which kind of makes sense. He's callous, he's ugly, he's always on your hands. He pops up always at the most inopportune times. You try to get rid of him as fast as you can, but you can't.
Wade, that's a nice suit. Whose is it? Did you have a deal with the local funeral room? When a guy comes in about your size, you kind of get a shot at it? I think I can still see where the lily was there on the left lapel.
How's retirement? Everything good? You get your fishing in? I remember fishing with Wade once. We were slaying. We were just reeling them in left and right. By the time we were gonna go home, it was starting to get dark, Wade takes a frickin' Sharpie and puts it in his teeth like a pirate and jumps overboard. I'm like, 'What the f*ck is he doing?' He's gone for a couple minutes, comes back up and gets in the boat and he starts driving back to land. I didn't even want to say anything. It's weird. But Wade is kind of a weird guy.
We got to the dock and I get off. And now I've got several escape routes planned out, so I'm like, 'Hey dude, what's the deal? Why did you jump off the boat with a Sharpie?' He said, 'Well that was such a good fishing hole, I really want to mark the bottom of the boat so we could remember where it was.' Way to go, genius.
And here of course, courtesy of the Oregon state parole board, with a special blinking and beeping ankle bracelet, supplied of course by the fashion consultants from the Oregon state police and flight risk division, is everybody's favorite felon Chael Sonnen. The guy with a rap sheet so big and thick, you could use it as a hunting blind.
Hey Alec [looking at Baldwin], I know you've played cops in a lot of bombs. I'm sure you're just dying to arrest him now, right? Oh my God, remember the good old days when you were in show business?
All kidding aside, Chael, I'm glad you're here. You're doing great. You keep getting bigger as long as the drugs hold out. And that latest shipment of get-me-big juice gets stopped at the border and your wife finds you on the stairwell like a 6-foot-2, drained condom, laying there.
You're gonna be the first documented two-dimensional human being. You won't need airplanes anymore. You'll be able to just fold yourself up and mail yourself wherever you need to go. Make sure you address yourself to a town that has a gym with an owner with a 22-inch neck and a big bag of all those goodies, that get-me-big juice. That sh*t, that stuff.
We can deconstruct you like Tang, you chemical monstrosity, you. Chael is the only guy that I know that can load up on performance-enhancing drugs and his performance still wasn't enhanced. Aren't you supposed to win fights on that sh*t?
Wayne Boyd, I do like the glasses, bud. I need to get some of those.
Wayne has been involved in wrestling for 58 years. Hopefully if he keeps at it, eventually he'll figure it out. He did pin Victor 'The Wrestling Bear' back in 1981. But then two days later those grainy photographs of him behind the Denny's parking lot giving that bear that envelope. Victor's Muscle Shack popped up a couple days later down in the Keys, a strangely hairy restaurant owner popped up. Make your own inferences, folks.
Oh, Wayne might have wrestled a bear, but I'll be one of my favorite Ferraris that he couldn't [unclear] Winnie the Pooh and not have somebody help him with the big words. Now eat your soup. Try not to let your teeth fall in there, because at the Gable roast the dishwashers found them in the dishes and they weren't sure if the chef was turning into a cannibal or the dishwasher was turning into a human. They didn't know what was going on. It was pretty scary.
Speaking of humans, Royce Alger. He's got some news. He figured out the opposable thumbs. He can hold tools now. It's like this, right? It's not that hard. When that tan falls off, I'll invite you over to the pool. Not to swim, to clean it.
Scott Casber, how are you brother? You did a great job tonight, by the way. Scott is just relieved that he can be at an event like this and not have Chris Hansen walk in with a cameraman, saying, 'What were you thinking?' and have 10 cops dressed as bushes outside when he tries to make a run for it.
You know what he rolled into tonight? They shut off the ignition on the bait car he stole about a mile up the road, the St. Louis cops, they shut that off. Thankfully, it's all downhill, he rolled right in here. It was a little weird. The valet was kind of freaked out. He was like, 'You gotta open the door from the outside. Just use the screwdriver. Shove it in the ignition. Hopefully, it'll turn back on. Don't worry about it.'
And then there's Dan. My boy Danny. We have been friends for so long, but Dan Henderson is the only guy that's too weird and too ugly for John DuPont to hang out with.
Dan took some time away from his busy schedule scaring kids and haunting houses to hang out with us here tonight. His nose is so flat, he looks like he ran a 40-yard dash in a 30-yard gym.
Dan lives in California. I mean, we're almost neighbors. I instruct my security guards to say hi to him every now and then. That's how close we are.
Dan is great. He's a great wrestler. He's been a great friend for a long, long time. And he's one of those guys, he leaves a very light footprint when he stays at your house, when he's a house guest. You don't have to worry about him using your shampoo or messing up the books on your bookshelf. You don't have to worry about any of that sh*t with Dan.
He's a salt of the Earth type of guy, Danny. I remember the first time I showed him The Expendables 3 on my iPhone. He's like, 'How did you get those guys in that little black box in your hand? What do they eat? What time do they go to bed? What time do they sleep?'
It's easy to know recently when Dan goes to sleep -- it's usually in the first round of one of his fights.
That might have been below the belt. I'd like to take credit for this sh*t, but I didn't write it.
And you know one of our guests has had some challenges lately. Mr. Rulon Gardner. And while on an ill-advised, poorly planned and disastrous trip, Rulon found himself lost and abandoned in a frozen wasteland in whatever God-awful f*cking place he comes from. Lost, alone, freezing he managed to get his foot caught in a bear trap. He made a very heroic and bold decision to naw off four of his toes. On his right foot.
He must have been going clockwise, because the rescue crew showed up and thank God they did, because he probably would have gotten to his fingers on both hands before he got to his left foot where the bear trap was.
But that's not his first mishap in the woods, no. He shot an amazing caribou years ago and he called me. He's dragging it through the wilderness, the trees, the brush and everything, by the antlers. And he takes a break and he's worn out. He calls me and is like, 'Dude, I shot this amazing animal. It's really cool. I'm dragging it.' I'm like, 'Dude, drag it by the rear feet. Antlers drag behind it.' 'Oh, ok. I'll try that.'
He called me back an hour later so much happier, doing so much better. He said, 'You know what? I'm doing it your way, 'The Natural.' I'm dragging it by the feet, but ain't I getting farther away from my truck?'
Then there's Jim Ramirez, the legendary referee. It's good to see you, Jim. I know you did referee a few of my matches here and there.
I don't know if you know this, but Jim was a city commissioner and mayor of beautiful Arkansas City, Kansas. The only resident of that town. He's also the only person who voted and still wound up in a runoff election with some guy named 'no preference.'
Jim's career as a politician was made easier by his experience as a referee. He took bribes that would have made Jimmy Hoffa blush. Don Frye even paid him. But he had to grab one of Don's arms with both hands and his foot on his opponent's ribs to pull his arm out of there to keep him from getting pinned. He really didn't figure it out until he got to his car and he was counting his loot and realized that Don paid him in chocolate coins.
He also had a short career as an industrial engineer and designer. He was the man that created the screen-door installation program for submarines in the Polish Navy. He invented the piano-wire seatbelt for NASCAR. Both of these endeavors failed, like his mustache.
What we want Jim is to go back home, open a general store, sell yourself a razor, put on your constable hat, give yourself a parking ticket, go up to city hall, put on your judges' robe and take a bribe to let the parking ticket go away. And then you go away.
On that note, folks, I want to say thank you to all. The ones I named, the ones I didn't. The ones I like, the ones I don't, the ones I can't wait to forget. And if ever you're out my way, please stop by. My guard dogs need the practice.