Why 2013 Kicked this MMA Fan’s @ss Part 4: April: 1,356 Plants, Aliens and Sonnen 3:16: I Just Broke your Toe

Note: To those who care, Part 3 can be found here:

Why 2013 Kicked this MMA Fan's @ss Part 3: March Madness


If April is compared to an All you can eat restaurant (Bellator XCV, Invicta FC 5: Penne vs. Waterson and four (4!) UFC events) then I'm the morbidly obese guy, in sweat pants, waiting impatiently for its doors to open.

We start off the month not quite knowing whether or not the Mauler would welcome former Dream Middleweight/Light Heavyweight Champion & former Strikeforce Light Heavyweight Champion, Gegard Mousasi to the UFC on the free UCF on Fuel TV card in Sweden.

Gustafsson had suffered what medical experts call a boo-boo during a sparring session 2 days prior and there was still hope that the fight, where he would be guaranteed a title shot if he won, would still take place (Not to take anything away from Alex's cut, but THIS, it was not).

If Alexander could not make it, who would step up on such short notice? (because international cards are so solid from top to bottom, it's no big deal to lose your main event...)

In what would come as a ray of hope, on April 1st, Wanderlei momentarily puts down his axe and tweets:

"UFC news my guys fight Saturday agains Musasi!!! What you think? UFC just contact me about Saturday,UFC acabeu de me ligar o que acha?"

To which Mousasi answered:

"at this moment I do not have any new info about my situation But if ufc want's and mr @wandfc is ready for me than let's Go!

However... the next day...



April Fool's!

On Tuesday, April 2nd Wanderlei explained his prank in this video (If anyone can tell me how to easily transform the first 4 seconds into a screen saver, I'd be forever grateful), and I'd like to thank Tommy Toe Hold for translating it for me. (Still waiting for my Lionosaur, Tommy!).

Later that day, in what can only be described as the UFC picking a random Swede to fight in the Octagon, we learn that Ilir Latifi is the official replacement.

After an appetizer (Bellator XCV) comprised of 6 Kos and 2 submissions on Thursday, it's time for an entrée on Friday, with Invicta' first successful pay per view, Invicta FC 5: Penne vs. Waterson, where:

Pat Barry's waaaaaaaaaaaay more talented girlfriend Rose Namajunas pulls off a gorgeous flying armbar for a 12 second win and spazzes out longer than the actual fight in the cutest post-fight celebration the world has ever seen outside the UFC Hobbit Flyweight division (AKA: The Teeny-Tinys).


Not to be outdone by the Thug named Rose, the Karate Hottie defeats Penne via armbar to win theAtomweight championship.

Finally, the next day, we're off to Sweden for the main course and:

Here we go! (God, I hate you Goldberg):


Finally, in what can only be described as "EPIC":

The lights go dim and with Eye of the Tiger as his walkout song and to the loud support and battle cries of his Viking brethren, Latifi confidently saunters to the Octagon... But despite a valiant effort and in the opposite of a Rocky story, to the surprise of no one, Mousasi easily wins a lopsided decision.

A mere 7 days later, we are treated to another free UFC card and this time it's The Ultimate Fighter: Team Jones vs. Team Sonnen Finale, where:




Note: Miesha would later contest the stoppage as being early (and call Kim Winslow ugly).

  • The Uriah Hall hype train gets derailed and Kevin Gastelum wins the competition. Chubby people around the world rejoice.
  • In a fun little battle, Faber chokes out Jorgensen at the end of the 4th round.

We are then treated to a third(!) free event with UFC on Fox Henderson vs Melendez where, after a night filled with exciting fights (and a Francis Carmont fight) featuring no less than 8 knockouts:


  • Matt Brown continues his streak of destruction by KOing Jordan Mein
  • Chad Mendes defeats Darren Elkins by KO in just over a minute. Team Alpha Male's reverence for coach since December 2012, Duane Ludwig, now reaches "C-3P0's deification by Ewoks" adulation level.
  • Daniel Cormier defeats Frank Mir in a glorified sparring session, where Mir looked about as nimble and swift as a sloth on Ambien.
  • In a "controversial decision" (two words that would become a recurring theme in 2013) Benson Henderson defeats Gilbert Melendez. In a related incident, Stockton and the collective 209 were left with no fucks.

Finally, to close off April, it's UFC 159 Jones versus Sonnen, where:


  • After a dubious win sandwiched between 5 decision losses and THIS(!) at the hands of the Korean Zombie - ALL fan friendly (brain unfriendly), fights I might add, Leonard Garcia is relegated to the Texas regional circuit after losing his bout to Cody Mckenzie. For those who don't remember him, he's the dirty Guy Fawkes looking guy from Alaska who forgot his fight shorts.

Note: Leonard went on to amass three wins in a row, all finishes (Good for you, Leonard!), in 2013

Note: I had completely forgotten how much of a dick Michael was when the fight was ruled a TKO (blame it on post-concussion syndrome and amnesia inflicted by March 2013). Here's a reminder:




Finally, in a classic always the bridesmaid never the bride story, after being 1m:50s away from becoming UFC Middleweight champ in his first bout against Anderson Silva, Sonnen ends up 27 seconds shy from becoming the new UFC Light Heavyweight champ via this:



April Folklore and Tidbits

Two days after his destruction of Phil De Fries, Mitrione would appear on the MMA Hour and, in a tirade that would make the Reverend Phelps proud, share his opinion on Fallon Fox. He would end up getting fined and suspended for his efforts.

In a move that can only be called "fucking with someone" Georges St-Pierre announces that he'll fight Anderson Silva then retire and Dana White gives him his blessing. Somewhere in Texas, a depressed John[Damn it, there should be another "n" here!]y Hendricks heads out to the forest, short rope in hand, looking for a tall tree.

Referee Josh Rosenthal is sentenced to 37 months in prison, three years' probation and a $100 fee for his role in a large-scale (1,356 plants!) pot operation in Oakland, California in April 2012. The Diaz brothers go into panic mode. With too much time on his hand and no sticky-icky, Nick Diaz ponders going into the fight business with a promotion of his own, where elbows on the ground and bitches would not be allowed (more on that in: How MMA Kicked this MMA's @ss Part 5, May: Lionosaurus "Wrecks" and Clash of the Titans).

George St-Pierre, high off his fight with Nick Diaz and clearly showing the symptoms of what 5 hours in the Octagon (and 13 years in the sport) can do to someone's brain, makes a guest appearance the Joe Rogan Experience and discusses: "cutting to lightweight", "missing time ("It's crazy Joe, sometimez, aye go to sleep at night and when aye wake up... EIGHT hours has passed!")", "alien dreams" and "spirit journeys".

Junior Dos Santos versus Mark Hunt is officially booked for the end of May. A tear wells up when I read the announcement.

Phil Davis is accused of battery by his wife. Considering that his game is mostly ground and pound many are dubious of the claims about his stand-up game.

Chris Weidman hosts his first Q&A. Anderson Silva shows up just to see who the fuck he is.

[Retarded] Quote of the Month

"Well I may have to come out of retirement to beat Jonny Bones I can't let I'm beat my record"

Tito Ortiz


That does it for April. Thank you for reading. Coming up next (God, I hate you Goldberg): Why 2013 Kicked this MMA Fan's @ss Part 5: May: Lionosaurus "Wrecks" and Clash of the Titans