Morning Report: Fedor Emelianenko Sumo Wrestles, Toney Calls Rampage a 'Slave to White Man'

Esther Lin, MMA Fighting

For a man that has yet to fight in 2012, Fedor Emelianenko sure seems to get around a lot. Within the past few months we've seen the legendary heavyweight cruise through sambo championships with his brother, hit the Korean game show circuit, giggle his way down Russian water slides, and now his latest venture, sumo wrestling.

Fedor may not be fighting in the UFC (and at the age of 35, that ship seems to have sailed), but in slow times like these, it's strangely gratifying to see one of the sports true icons, and someone who was so famously stoic, finally enjoying himself so much.

It's unfortunate that bad management has left Emelianenko's name to forever be thrown around in the "what if" discussions. No one could have seen that coming back in the day. But it's even more unfortunate that Fedor seems to be realizing this now, as his abilities slowly betray him. So if "The Last Emperor" wants to keep doing his thing with these various adventures, more power to him. After all the excitement he's given us over the past decade, he's earned it.

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5 MUST-READ STORIES

Joe Lauzon vs. Terry Etim booked for UFC on FOX 4. Joe Lauzon and Terry Etim will reportedly look to rebound from devastating knockout losses at UFC on FOX 4, which is slated for August 4th, 2012 in Los Angeles, California.

Bellator planning three hour main cards with 2013 move to Spike TV. As part of Bellator Fighting Championships' crusade to cut out their universally panned "superfights," the promotion plans to extend the length of its televised main card from two to three hours next year, paving the way for more tournaments and more title fights.

Demetrious Johnson heavy favorite over Ian McCall. Despite fighting to a majority draw the first time around, Demetrious "Mighty Mouse" Johnson opened as a near 2-to-1 favorite over Ian "Uncle Creepy" McCall in advance of their UFC on FX 3 flyweight rematch.

Jake Shields moves back to middleweight, wants to fight in August. Former Strikeforce middleweight champion Jake Shields hopes to return to action sometime in August and will move back up to 185 pounds after a lukewarm UFC run at welterweight.

25 most awkward photos in MMA history. For all its charms, mixed martial arts sure does produce its fair share of embarrassing kodak moments. So take a look at the worst of the worst (or best of the best, depending on how you look at it) with the 25 most awkward photos in MMA history.

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MEDIA STEW

We know y'all want to see Fedor fighting in the UFC, but the USC (Ultimate Sumo Championship) is just as good, right? (HT: Middle Easy)

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Between all the mumbling and stumbling, somewhere in here James Toney tells Rampage Jackson to stop being a "slave to the white man." Wow. (HT: Reddit)

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Johny Hendricks and Brendan Schaub are monsters inside the cage, but ballet is a whole different beast. (Thanks to @pegson for the tip.)

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Steven Seagal wants you to recognize how dangerous and important he is. RECOGNIZE IT. (Fun fact: The YouTube tags on this clip include "fat", "blowhard" and "seagull." To whichever Jimmy Kimmel Live intern is responsible for this, we thank you.)

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IN CASE YOU WERE WORRIED

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TRASH TALK QUOTA HAS BEEN LOWERED

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IF ONLY THEY STILL HAD BLEACHED HAIR

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FIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS

Announced yesterday (Wednesday, March 28, 2012):

- UFC on FOX 4: Joe Lauzon (21-7) vs. Terry Etim (15-4) reportedly booked for FOX broadcast, according to Fighters Only

- UFC on FX 4: Ramsey Nijem (5-2) vs. C.J. Keith (8-0 )

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FANPOST OF THE DAY

Today's Fanpost of the Day is an essential guide for any new fight fan, penned by Bloody Elbow's SSReporters: Breaking Down Common UFC Terminology For New MMA Fans

Hey there new MMA fans! If you're confused by the lack of UFC cards over the last few weeks, then kindly teleport yourself back to 2005. Afterwards, return to the present-day and realize how awesome it is to be a MMA fan and a fan of the UFC. I understand that this sport is not the easiest to follow, particularly when the UFC has never really put much emphasis on explaining the rules, grappling positions, strike techniques, etc. The majority of the terminologies you may be unfamiliar with are often spewed out of the mouths of Mike Goldberg and Joe Rogan, the leading commentary pair in our beloved organization. No need to worry, as I have got it all covered. I will break down the most uttered phrases in the UFC (okay, mostly the nonsense from Goldie and Rogan) and make it so that even the common fan can grasp it.

Striking

- ROCKED! When a power punch of any sort lands flush, a fighter is deemed to be "rocked" even when he isn't.

- PUNCHES in BUNCHES. Combinations.

- Knees reminiscent of Anderson Silva. Any Muay Thai clinch with a knee to the head immediately invokes the memories of Anderson Silva vs. Rich Franklin I and II. It's also a really stupid thing to say multiple times over, so I advise you MMA newbies not to use this as a reference every single time a fighter has the clinch.

Grappling

- IT'S DEEP! A submission attempt that is deemed to be close to finished thus leading towards a tapout, but is only ever accurate 4 times out of 100. Noted dullard and professional troll Jacob Volkmann set a record with 37 "deep" d'arce chokes against Danny Castillo, but Castillo managed to escape every time.

Found something perfect for the Morning Report? Just hit me on Twitter @shaunalshatti and we'll include it in tomorrow's post.

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