FanPost

Andrei Arlovski Must be Stopped. The Fate of the World Depends Upon It.

It is the year 2015 and Andrei Arlovski is aranked in the Top 5 of the UFC Heavyweight Division.

Huh?

Had I heard someone make this prediction in February of 2011, right after "The Pitbull" had been KO'd for the 3rd time in 4 trips into combat, I would have considered it to be either an attempt at comedy or the symptom of an individual's tragic descent into insanity. Even believing it to be feasible at that time would have meant abandoning all logic and common sense. It just wasn't an occurrence that the Universe, a place governed by strict and measurable laws of physics and other galactic absolutes, seemed to have the ability to condone. Arlovski's time was over, and it may as well have occurred in the Stone Age. The Universe had moved on and so had MMA fans.

Something.....strange has happened, though. Something that no one has been quite able to explain sufficiently yet. Something....beyond us and our ability to understand.

Somehow, since the last time he was forced from consciousness during competition, the former UFC Champion has been defeated only once and holds a record of 9-1-1 in his past 11 bouts. The only defeat in that span came via unanimous decision to Anthony Johnson, a title bout participant on the same card as "The Pitbull's" latest encounter, while the last 3 victories, including his most recent at UFC 187, took place under the burning hot spotlight of the world's largest MMA promotion. Something unheard of is happening here, and there is only one possible explanation at this point.

I admit, I fought my belief of what I am about to say for quite a while. Now, however, I am forced to concede. There simply are no other conclusions to draw. Andrei Arlovski has developed into a physics defying abomination of nature that is altering the rules of our universe in a desperately dangerous fashion.

I know....Mind blown, right? Its true, though. Just look at the facts and how this situation has progressed, or regressed, depending on how you view it.

When news broke that "The Pitbull" had resigned with the UFC, it was thought that this was simply an attempt to fill cards with warm bodies. There was a tad bit of displeasure voiced about this, but nothing too major. Stranger things have happened, right? Then, however things started to escalate. Here is the proof:

Arlovski actually won his return fight against poor Brandon Schaub. Inept judging was suspected at the time, so we didn't pay enough attention to this shocking turn of events. In hindsight, though, Andrei picking up a "W" in today's UFC should have set off alarms around the globe. Not even terrible judging is a worthy excuse for Arlovski picking a Zuffa victory. How naive we all were.....

Next, things got even more out of hand. He won another fight. Via KO......I have no idea how we all made such a horrible miscalculate, but after violently KO'ing "Bigfoot," a statistical fluke was considered to be the most likely culprit responsible for this shocking tomfoolery being inflicted upon the sport of MMA. Once again, our inability to see the truth had cost us invaluable time.

Now, however, after defeating Travis Browne in an all-time classic Heavyweight slug fest, Arlovski has forced me to believe in the unbelievable and I can only pray it has the same effect on every single one of you. There can be no explaining that one away with normal wishful thinking. A cold truth now has to be faced, and it falls upon our generation's shoulder's to take it on. Our unborn grandchildren are counting on us to get it right this time.

Ladies and gentleman, it cause me great pain to inform you of this and I must implore you all to please not panic, but it has become clear that the Universe is in a time of great upheaval. The type of upheaval that, quite frankly, will have consequences that are far beyond mankind's ability to comprehend. One of these consequences is the phenomenon of a full-blown, and currently active Andrei "The Pitbull" Arlovski career resurgence. In other words, the shit has officially hit the fan, people of Earth.

You see, the only way this could have happened is if physics and other universal laws that we considered to be infinitely constant have begun to morph and mutate into forces that we have basically no understanding of. Without this shift in the behavior of physics at all levels, Andrei Arlovski would have never have been capable of reemerging from the endless muck of career purgatory that he was cast into years ago. It is not scientifically possible to have occurred in any other fashion. The unknowable wonders of the Universe are at work here, people, and its okay if you are a little bit frightened. I know I sure as hell am.

A man who has been competing professionally since 1999, is 36 with 35 fights to his name, and was competing on the regional circuit of Eastern Europe as recently as 2013 is simply not capable of performing such remarkable acts of combat without some form of cosmic assistance. It just doesn't happen. Not without manipulating the powers that control our very existence and prevent the fabric of space and time from imploding into themselves. We are in uncharted waters here and lord only knows where these new winds are taking us. Scariest of all, this cannot be happening simply by chance.

No people, this is too unnatural to be some sort of accident or coincidence. So unnatural that its freak occurrence can only be seen as a natural event, one which a normal human is not capable of achieving. That's right. So unnatural its natural. That's the type of scary ass world we are headed for with this Arlovski winning streak. Every truth we ever trusted in is turning into a lie and we can't do a damn thing about it.....

Now, before we go any further, some of you might be tempted to point at Mark Hunt as an example of this same phenomenon. In that case, just like the case of "The Pitbull," an aging warrior who had not seen success in years fought back from the brink of anonymity and was able to achieve success in the UFC while competing at a high level. Simple right? Arlovski isn't destroying the Universe with one physically impossible act at a time. Everything is fine....

Before UFC 187 went down, I would have gladly bought that comparison and ran with it. But now? Well, now the blinders have been lifted and there simply is no going back. Even with all of the similarities, Arlovski defeating a Top 5 opponent in 2015 is something not even the now legendary Mark Hunt has pulled off in his time with the UFC.

Hunt has gone on a win streak and engaged in classic bouts in recent years. He has even fought for an interim title. But one thing he has yet to do in the UFC is gain a victory over a true top contender in the UFC's Heavyweight class. Stipe Miocic, Fabricio Werdum, and Junior Dos Santos have all finished "The Super Samoan" during his run with Zuffa. Let's be honest, no, lets be scientifically unbiased about that last fact.

Hunt has benefited from exciting fights and good timing during his run just as much as he has his victories. In fact, Hunt has only won one fight in his last five appearances. He has had a great run, but its been a human run. Not a miraculous, seemingly purposely initiated one like Arlovski's. He hasn't lost in more than two years and just picked up a victory that is far more impressive than any that Hunt can claim in that stretch (I'm sorry, but an obese Roy Nelson is not the same fighter as #3 ranked Hawaiian, Travis Browne).

See? Even the closest comparison to what we are seeing from Andrei is really no comparison at all. Just something that kinda, sorta looked similar until we got up close and took a good look. This is getting freaky, folks.....and dangerous.....

If Belarus's favorite fighter is able to secure a title shot or even a title eliminator after the act of nature witnessed at UFC 187, the truth will be undeniable to even the staunchest of critics and doubters. It will be irrefutable proof that we have lost all influence or control of the events surrounding us and almost certainly never possessed those abilities to begin with, because humans can't pull off crazy shit like an Andrei Arlovski career resurgence on their own.

If they could, that would mean that a Tim Sylvia career resurgence is also possible, and that is something that no sensible person could ever believe. Nope, sorry guys and gals, but we might as well just accept it. If Arlovski fights for the belt, we will become nothing but lil galactic finger puppets dancing to the tune of the predetermined passage of time like starry-eyed space monkeys doing what we were programmed to do. Free will shall vanish and It will be revealed that we are all just ants floating on a pebble through space awaiting our cosmic masters to determine each of our fates, absent of any method to navigate our own destinies. If this is true, then Arlovski's continued success will spell the end of mankind's existence as we know it. And how could it not be true?

"The Pitbull" can't possibly be one of the biggest winners on a card of this caliber in the year 2015 without some form of assistance from the governing powers of physics. Somehow, someway, Andrei Arlovski is competing with the full force and fury of the Universe behind him. He must be. Its the only thing that makes sense. Its the only thing that science could possibly allow. We are witnessing a shift in everything we have ever learned about our world, brothers and sisters.

If Arlovski continues this frightening trend of defying physics and winning fights, how long until the whole system up and goes straight to hell?

How long until up turns into down, and left turns into right? How long is it until fish begin to leap from the sea and birds start to dive to the bottom of the ocean because Earth's electromagnetic field got as tangled and convoluted as a NSAC hearing with Chael Sonnen. What if things get so confused that the words of the "American Gangsta" involuntarily begins to sound like the truth at all times because our brain waves have been reversed along with our magnetic shield? Tragedy would be sure to ensue. How could it be avoided when once intelligent people are forced to start trusting in Chael Sonnen?

What will we all do when one day we all awake to the news that China now borders New Jersey because "The Pitbull" pulled off another physically impossible stoppage victory? Think of the misery that a communist with a Jersey accent will be able to inflict upon all of the innocent, helpless people of the Far East Coast. That's not a world I want to live in, but its where we are headed.....

What will you do, dear friends, when the Earth begins careening through space like Jon Jones through a red light in a rental vehicle, or the sun begins to shine hotter than the glare off of Dana's scalp in a nuclear powered tanning bed? Who will be there to save us when ocean levels begin to rise higher than Vitor's TRT levels after a round robin tournament of "Betcha Can't Guess Where I stuck the Needle this Time?" No one, that's who. And we will deserve it unless we take action now.

If the human race is to survive, Andrei Arlovski must never emerge victorious FROM AN MMA from an MMA bout promoted by the UFC again. EVER. Any and all cards employing the services of this destroyer of worlds and dimensions must be boycotted at a maximum degree. In fact, even finding success in front of an empty arena on a hijacked FightPass stream that has been purposely rendered unwatchable is unacceptable. The risks are just too high.

Even that might be too little, too late. Something as insignificant as stealing a round may be enough to kill us all at this point. We simply cannot be sure. After all of the damage that has already been done to the core fabric of the Universe the only safe course is 100% diligence. If we are all meant to be truly safe, then Andrei Arlovski should never compete again at any time for the UFC. The continued and consistent success of this man will equal mankind's doomsday.

Sadly enough for the physics-twisting Belarusian, he may be utterly unaware of the damage his success is inflicting onto the realm of reality and could actually believe that this turnaround was brought about by his own hard work and dedication.

It will undoubtedly be heartbreaking for him to learn that he was nothing but a hollow vessel consumed by a power greater than his ability to understand and that his true skills had nothing to do with his world threatening resurgence.It isn't his fault that physics failed us all and irresponsibly allowed him to win fights he had no business even competing in, but hey, that's no reason for the rest of us to die. That would be as crazy as believing Arlovski can win fights without the assistance of a physical impossible act or two.

Letting a man know that he is so terrible at fighting that any victory he scores can only be attributed to impossible acts of physics is never a good time, even if it does save the planet from certain destruction. But what alternative is there? Arlovski is not capable of winning fights on his own and allowing him to continue to defy the laws that quite literally bind us is just not an acceptable course of action. Its always better to tell a man about the civilization scorching deficiencies he has mistaken for talent and let him learn the truth about his professional inferiority than it is to sit back and let the poor sap win fights in complete ignorance of the true source of his success while the timeless laws of existence crumble around him.

So, Dana, Lorenzo, Frank, Joe Silva, and the rest of the Zuffa crew, it comes down to you. Our fate is in your hands. Allowing your new heavyweight contender to continue to compete and win in stark defiance of all that is possible in this universe is not only irresponsible and unethical, its borderline criminal and genocidal.

A man who has been denied the rights to physically win fights cannot continue to be allowed to be declared victorious in fights that everyone knows are physically impossible for him to win. The bleeding needs to stop and everything needs to return to its rightful place. Its what is best for Mr. Arlovski, the entirety of mankind, and quite frankly, your company's bottom line.

If you won't do it for the people, do it for the money. Prohibit Mr. Arlovski from risking our molecular well being by continuing to win. Ensure the survival of your customer base by preventing its certain extinction at the hands of a man that no one believes is being sent into the cage to win. Save the world and the UFC by making sure none of us are ever put at risk by an Andrei Arlovski victory again.

Its time for a UFC Heavyweight Championship match up booked to preserve the Earth and all of its helpless inhabitants. It's time for the irresistible force to come up against the immovable object. Its time for a "Belrusian-Mexican Standoff."

Give us "The Destroyer of Physics" vs "The Guardian of Harsh Reality" Mr. White and possibly save us all. Give us our only remaining option and chance for safety. That's right, Dana F'n White....Give us...